I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg

Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning. - Bill Gates

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected." - Robert Orben

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. - Marlene Dietrich

"When someone hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge and get over it!". Richard Middleton

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays." - Henny Youngman

"The manner of giving is worth more than the gift." - Pierre Corneille

"Other men said they have seen angels, But I have seen thee And thou art enough." G. Moore

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." - William S. Burroughs

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. - Orson Welles

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen

The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page. - Saint Augustine

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. - Scott Adams

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - ordon R. Dickson

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. - GK Chesterton